Ridin Solo

As of late the horrors of my life have come to a boiling point. A shit ton has happened since my last post and I thought I should fill anyone who might actually read this, in on what’s going down in the life of C. Well, for starters, I lost my job at Pump It Up: The Inflatable Party Zone over some stupid bitch who can’t take a joke L

This could not have come at a more inopportune time, I had just planned to be one of those people who throws themselves into their work in order to escape from everything that bothers them, but now, I have nothing. My friends barely ever want to hang out with me, if at all and to top it all off now I can add yet another completely unrequited love to my list of heartaches.

Yes, I know, you all would have thought I’d learned my lesson after the whole Andy debacle that I barely survived. But I really truly thought that this time would be different and that everything would work out, but of course, I was dead wrong. I told him everything, I told him exactly how I feel and he felt absolutely nothing. I can understand him not liking me back; I mean he has a very charmed life in my opinion. But to just feel . . . nothing . . . I don’t understand it.

Because at least with Andy I knew he cared at least a little bit because of how angry he got over it, but with this I have not a clue in the world as to how he’s feeling about all this. I am so afraid he’s bottling it all up and that he’s going to resent me just like Andy did and I will lose yet another friend but I just can’t have that happen.

Why have I been cursed? Cursed to fall in love with those who are closest to me and those that I have the most to lose from. True love means risking it all, putting your whole self on the line and then having the courage to make that final leap into the abyss where there may not be any solid ground to catch you. But lately, more often than not, it seems that all I do is plunge into this abyss, and it’s true, NOTHING is there to pull me back up and I just keep spiraling deeper and deeper into a depression I may never come out of.

My only escape these days is music. It is the one time that I can truly forget everything else and make believe that my problems don’t exist, oh how I wish they didn’t exist. The screwiest thing though, is that the boy who causes me so much pain is also the one who can make it all go away. How does anybody deal with that? Is there even a prior situation in the world of love that I can compare this too? The man who’s killing me slowly with indifference is also the one slowly raising me out of the pit that I’ve been stuck in for 6 long years.

Consequently, I come to this conclusion, that there is nothing healthy about any part of my life. This whole situation is a shambles and I don’t know what to do. I’m being lifted into a place of light that I haven’t seen in years while at the same time, somewhere deep in my core, I am dying because that is the place where I know that my dreams can never come true. I will be alone forever just as the higher powers meant it to be. I am not meant to know what real requited love feels like. I will live forever in this hell that is made all the worse by the constant glimpses of heaven that it offers only if I go deeper into its depths. So really, what’s the point anymore?

Until Next Time.

XOXO

~C

Heartbreak Hotel/Show Me What I'm Looking For

Being always overavid, I demand from those I love a love equal to mine, which, being balanced people, they cannot supply.- Sylvia Ashton-Warner

For as long as I can remember this quote has basically summed up my life. I make so-called "friends" but our relationship is always deeply unbalanced. The love and caring I feel for the people who I let in close to my life is always exponentially greater than anything they feel for me, and this is how it always will be.

After 18 years of friendships that inevitably fizzle out and turn to nothing but a vague memory of happiness I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never find what I'm looking for. But what am I looking for exactly you might ask? Well, I will tell you. This is what I'm looking for in not only a friend, but also a significant other:

someone who . . .

- doesn't mind that I love to drive

- understands my incurable road rage

- likes that I take the long way to get places

- knows that I do that because I just want to spend more time with him

- wants to spend as much time with me as I do with him (aka a lot!)

- knows me inside and out and still loves me

- wants me to know everything about him

- I can trust

- trusts me

- I can have a huge fight with and then half an hour later we won't even remember why we fought

- texts me first

- sends me messages just to say he thought of me

- is thoughtful

- loves kids as much as I do

- isn't afraid to cry in front of me

- likes to try new things

- doesn't mind that I have slight TV obsession

- understands that I'm trying to fix my life

- can't imagine the world without me just like I can't imagine the world without him

- even when we're not together is thinking of me constantly

- the minute we part wants to be with me again

After all, "A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway." - Fr. Jerome Cummings

But as I've said, I have accepted my fate. These traits will be impossible to find because I simply cannot be loved. I've searched and searched, but my efforts will never come to fruition. I will forever be the boy who people keep around for a laugh until they get bored with him.

I used to be okay with this, but lately all of my best friends have paired off and no matter who I hang out with, I'm a third wheel. This feeling sucks, I have to watch these incredibly happy people snog, touch, laugh, nibble, cuddle, and all the other things I'll never get to do and it just . . . hurts. It is an unimaginable pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Lucky I'm a good actor eh? No one even notices anything is wrong and I am determined that they don't. I want these friends in my life so I guess I can deal with this pain, push it to the back of my mind and blog about it on here when it wells up inside so that I'm about to cry. It's not like I have anyone who I could talk to about this that would understand and who isn't a part of the situation.

For now, I will keep going, never looking back. I will find away to stop this pain. Love is overrated. The Fates chose to leave me lonely, and that's how I will stay. Who needs love? I sure as hell don't!

Until next time.

-C.

There is a God.

I realized tonight that there is some form of celestial being that watches out for us mere mortals, or at least someone who answers prayers. Albeit he/she takes his or her sweet time doing it.

For as far back as I can remember I have been praying for someone, anyone that would be a true friend and confidant that I could tell anything to and always count on to be there for me. Even just a friend would have been nice. I've been cycling through series of best friends since middle school, no one ever gets close enough to really be considered a best friend though. We always end up drifting apart and never keep in touch.

But this time, I think I may have found something that will actually last. My prayers have been answered in the form of two new best friends: Jack and Graeme. They know my deepest secrets and they are really sticking around. I never thought this would happen. Anytime I have even thought about telling anyone something personal they've somehow drifted away from me. I think these are friends that might actually last me my whole life and I couldn't be happier.

For a long time I was skeptic about the possibility of a higher power that actually cared about us humans but now I'm sure there is. I never could have met these two amazing friends if it hadn't been for divine intervention. I mean I sat next to Graeme for a whole year and barely said two words to him and now all of a sudden we have become the best of friends. And Jack I knew for 2 years before finally becoming a really good friend of his. It's amazing the way this power works.

I'm still yearning for romance but at least I know that for now I have two best friends to help me through the hard times. This blog is dedicated to them. Thanks Jack and Graeme, for being the best friends a guy could ask for.

Love, Despair, and Resignation

As I was leaving my friend Jack's house tonight after evening of fun, food, and television I came to a sort of epiphany that has been slowly creeping to the surface of my brain since I first realized I was gay. Only the beautiful and the good can find true love in this world.

It might sound cold and jaded but it is the truth. I have never seen a truly happy couple that didn't at least have one beautiful or innately good person in it. This is especially true in regards to myself. Tonight I drove around for an hour after leaving Jack's house contemplating about all of the emotions that have hit me hard like freight trains this year and all of the horrible experiences I've had even dipping my toe into the waters of love (cheesy I know).

I realized that cuddling with my friend Jack will be the closest I ever come to physical intimacy with anyone ever; and that's just not enough. I can't live like this, alone and depressed, for the rest of my life. Soon, I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself, my friends say I sound to desperate, but that's only because I absolutely 100% all the way AM. I need love in my life and it seems like not matter how hard I try I am never going to find it.

Those of us who are not beautiful usually find love by settling for someone who is just as flawed as we are and can't really complain about our looks but I refuse to do this. I do not want to settle for someone that I do not see myself as ever loving just so that I can be with someone. This is what leads me to trouble. Those of us ugly people who refuse to settle for less than exactly what we want are in a huge dilemma: how do we find love when all people see is our outward appearance and none of what's on the inside?

Of course, I know it sounds superficial of me to say that I don't want to date someone who isn't very attractive but I'm just being honest. And if I actually did find that I clicked with someone right away who wasn't gorgeous I would probably give them a shot but I mean, come on, there has to be some level of sexual appeal for a relationship to work right? I just can't seem to find it with men who are in my league.

Gay men especially seem to be the most superficial of us humans and as a gay man I can say that yes many of us are very caught up in looks. This is what saddens me so. I will never be loved because of this standard that gay men seem to have for their sexual partners: skinny hairless boys. I am neither skinny nor hairless and so I seem to be doomed to a life of loneliness.

I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life. But I have resigned myself to such a fate. I mean after all who could love someone like me? Someone who used to be good, but through various experiences and hardships has become a cold, callous, jaded, bitch. Someone who longs to be good again but every time he exposes any part of his old self to the world he gets hurt worse than before. Trying to be nice has a lot of benefits but none that I have seen for myself. It's better to have a defense against the hate than to be open to it and let them know that their words send you home crying yourself to sleep every night.

Even friends can hurt you where it hurts the most, usually without even realizing it. They know your weaknesses and they know exactly what to say to make it hurt more than ever. But with friendship the line becomes blurred and they cannot always see when they have crossed it. Caring for others is admirable if you can find a way to not get burned in the process. I so far, have not. I love my friends more than life itself, but no single one of them will ever know the true me or the pain that eats away at my stomach, mind, and heart and fills my eyes with tears each night.

This was a rant that had to be expelled from my mind so that I could find some peace. But it's only brought more questions. I will always wonder how my friends in love do it, get into a loving relationship where someone actually wants to be with them, talk to them, and know them. I will never know this feeling, ever.

I will never be anyone's best friend. No one will ever care for me the way I secretly care for so many. I have resigned myself to this and to my fate as the world's loneliest man on Earth, while still surrounded by so many people who seem to care.

-C.

True to Yourself or True to Your Frienships??

Whatever you do these days, wether it be turning on the TV or radio, going to the movies, or reading a book. No matter what form of entertainment you choose, they all have much the same message. Each one says that when it comes to love you're supposed to be who you are and not hide any part of yourself and always be open and honest. But I pose the question: What if being truthful and yourself isn't enough? Or will hurt the ones you care about? No one ever seems to mention this.

Let's take one case that seems to show up in my life quite a bit, falling in love with your best friend. About a year ago, as most of you know from my first blog entry, I fell in love with my closest friend, Andy. Sadly, he did not return these feelings and I was rejected, but after an event like this, there's no going back to the way things were, and although you both try to forget it and move on, the friendship dynamic is forever changed. From the moment I revealed myself to him, Andy's and my relationship crumbled and I lost not only the chance for romantic love, but the brotherly love I already had from him.

People always tell you that the person you spend the rest of your life with should not only be your lover but also your best friend, however, what if your best friend ends up hating you because of your love?? There's just no winning in this scenario, because if you don't tell him you'll always wonder "What if?" and if you do tell him he may end up despising you for complicating his life.

Here's the worst part: recently, it's started to happen to me again with one of my new friends but I don't think I'd survive another episode like last time. I just couldn't do it. This added to the fact that I have no chance and nothing to offer to this person just makes the whole situation worse.

So tell me, what am I supposed to do now?? I doubt that television or books or movies have ever had a situation like this occur, I mean you just can't make this shit up. So I have nothing to go on.

Do I tell the person and most likely lose everything or keep my mouth shut and save what I have? I'm very torn. But leaning towards shutting up. The miniscule one-one thousandth of a chance that I will benefit from speaking up is not worth the 99.9% chance I will fail miserably. Any gambler worth his salt would tell me not to take those odds . . . but I was always shitty at poker . . .

But this begs the question, are our movies, books, and TV shows teaching us poor lessons? Our media is sheltering us from the cruel reality of love: it rarely works out in your favor. I am angry at this entertainment industry, that I put so much faith in to teach me the life lessons I would need to know to succeed, who have have failed me so terribly. What to do . . . What to do . . . ?

I guess all I can say now is: HELP!

Well bye for now. Comment with any suggestions if you want.

Love,

C.

Future Dreams

This is my fantasy of how my life would ideally turn out after college, so sit back and enjoy . . . or don't. Warning: Somewhat suggestive content towards the end.

I wake up in his arms to the smell of his aftershave feeling him as he crawls back in to bed quietly trying not to wake me up even though he's been up for hours and has just dried off from a shower. Both of us still naked after an incredible night of love making; I'm still drained. I crane my neck back to kiss him deeply and somehow he maneuvers himself on top of me with me barely noticing, so that we can kiss much easier.

I feel the heat of his body radiating into my slightly colder skin and it feels so . . . perfect. I wrap my arms around his slim lean body made from a lifetime of running, and he gently collapses against me and rests his head on my smooth chest. I inhale the scent of his freshly washed hair, stil slightly damp and it feels so wonderful against my chin.

I hold him tightly and don't ever want to move from this spot but soon we hear the sounds of our two beautiful children waking up and know we have to get on with the day. He rises first and I just watch him as he slowly gets dressed and I cannot stop smiling. Once he's dressed I have no more excuses to stay in bed, I get up and hop into the shower while he goes down and starts breakfast for me and the kids.

After a while in the shower I get out and get dressed for work at the big television company which I produce shows for. I come down and he's sitting with the kids at the table and has just set my breakfast down at my spot. The kids run and hug my legs as I sit down on the table and I lean over and kiss him before digging in.

This is my favorite part about him, he cooks great food and does not mind that my only culinary talent lies in cheese based foods (grilled cheese and macaroni and cheese) and pastries. The sun shines in on us on another beautiful day in the suburbs of L.A. and this house is only one of three. We have a cottage in our home state of Washington where we like to spend many vacations as well as a cabin in the mountains where we spend Christmas every year.

After kissing him and the kids goodbye I go to work where I see all my awesome co-workers and clients and oversee the production of the new fall shows. I love my job and it is so fulfilling. But it can also be very stressful and make my whole body ache by the end of the day.

That's when I get to come home to him sitting on the couch with the kids reading to them from the first Harry Potter book, both of our favorite book series. Reading to our kids is important because of how much we both love to read and we want to instill that in our children. I give him a weary but content smile as I smell whatever he's making cooking in the oven.

The timer goes off and he jumps up despite my protests that I can take it out, while saying to the kids "Sorry guys, we're gonna have to take a short break. We know how much we love it when daddy offers to help but we also know he has kitchen cursed hands don't we?" He's beaming at me and the kids are rolling on the floor laughing and I laugh along with them and after a long embrace and kiss, I back away from the stove.

After a delicious dinner where the kids showed off art projects they did in school that day and we both shared eventful things that happened that day we tuck the kids in. They beg for us to read to them, and as he reads to them from HP I use full props and blankets as costumes to act out the really exciting parts. The kids love it and slowly drift off after only two chapters.

We turn out the light and turn on their night light while we make our way to our bedroom. He can sense my stress level has been high tonight and as soon as we get to the room he gets me out of my work clothes and down to my boxers. He is in sweats and a t-shirt and as I sit on the edge of the bed he sits on his knees behind me and runs his hands all over my smooth lean body. He knows that since I am lean and athletic now rather than the fat kid I was in high school I love to be touched. He massages deep into my shoulders despite my laughs as he occasionally tickles me it makes me feel so much more relaxed and happy. I don't know how i got this lucky.

After a while he strips down as well, and begins his slow arousal of me. He lays me back on the bed and places light gentle kisses and nibbles all over my body. Occasionally lingering at one spot longer to leave a nice purplish hickey that marks me as his and he loves the moans he pulls from my throat with his kisses. Then he slowly moves my waistband down and places a particularly deep and long kiss onto my most sensitive area before taking me into his mouth completely . . . thus begins our deeper sex acts which I won't go into here. Suffice it to say, we trade roles at least twice during sex, since we are both very sexually versatile.

I wake up in the morning in his arms with him spooning me and making me feel so safe and loved. Eventually we must get up and do it all over again, but neither of us would have it any other way . . .

So that was my little future fantasy. Hope you all enjoyed it. Thanks for reading!

Love,

C.

And the topic of the week is . . . MEAN GIRLS!

So my fellow blogger, Cold Feet Conversation, and I have decided to start weekly discussion posts about a random topic of our choosing. We thought it fitting to start with Mean Girls, our mutual favorite movie. So here it goes . . .

Mean Girls, Mean Girls, what to say about Mean Girls?? Wait! Better question! What ISN'T there to say about Mean Girls?!?!

Easily the most quotable movie of our generation and every gay boy's favoooorite movie. Mean Girls is more than just a movie, it is a symbol of our generation's culture and youth. Every person from every walk of life is represented in this movie, as said by Janie Ian, in the cafeteria you have "your freshmen, ROTC guys, Preps, JV Jocks, Asian Nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity Jocks, Unfriendly Black Hotties, Girls who Eat their Feelings, Girls who don't eat anything, Desperate wannabes, Burnouts, Sexually active band geeks, the greatest people you will ever meet, and . . . the worst".

Although this movie centers around Cady Heron and her inadvertent popularity and spiral down into bitchdom, there is so much more to the film. For instance, the dynamic of the Plastics' social clique, you have Regina, the queen-bee bitch who rules over the other 2 with an iron fist and they just seem to take it. However, in Gretchen and Karen you see two types of loyal subject.

First you have Gretchen, who is always trying to get more and more on Regina's good side and rise from her place as lackey to a more powerful role behind the scenes. But she never wants to outright rule, as seen in the end when she takes on the same position she had in the Plastics, with the cool asians.

Then you have Karen Smith, who is obviously more pretty and nicer than Regina but is simply too stupid to do anything with her natural gifts. A person like Karen flocks to Regina's domineering personality so as to not have to make decisions for herself and not have to think. Regina rules Karen's life and this is how she likes it, but this comes at a price; seen when Regina is talking to Cady on the phone about homecoming queen, "The sad thing is, it should be Karen but everyone forgets about her because she's such a slut". In her stupidity Karen has lost he sense of self-value and it is because of this that she will always need someone more powerful than her to run her life for her.

When you really delve deeper into the world of Mean Girls one can find many hidden meanings and themes and I'm sure I could drone on forever about the greatness that is Mean Girls but for now I shall turn you over to my friend Cold Feet Conversations, so that he can share his view.

Gotta jet!

C.