Ridin Solo

As of late the horrors of my life have come to a boiling point. A shit ton has happened since my last post and I thought I should fill anyone who might actually read this, in on what’s going down in the life of C. Well, for starters, I lost my job at Pump It Up: The Inflatable Party Zone over some stupid bitch who can’t take a joke L

This could not have come at a more inopportune time, I had just planned to be one of those people who throws themselves into their work in order to escape from everything that bothers them, but now, I have nothing. My friends barely ever want to hang out with me, if at all and to top it all off now I can add yet another completely unrequited love to my list of heartaches.

Yes, I know, you all would have thought I’d learned my lesson after the whole Andy debacle that I barely survived. But I really truly thought that this time would be different and that everything would work out, but of course, I was dead wrong. I told him everything, I told him exactly how I feel and he felt absolutely nothing. I can understand him not liking me back; I mean he has a very charmed life in my opinion. But to just feel . . . nothing . . . I don’t understand it.

Because at least with Andy I knew he cared at least a little bit because of how angry he got over it, but with this I have not a clue in the world as to how he’s feeling about all this. I am so afraid he’s bottling it all up and that he’s going to resent me just like Andy did and I will lose yet another friend but I just can’t have that happen.

Why have I been cursed? Cursed to fall in love with those who are closest to me and those that I have the most to lose from. True love means risking it all, putting your whole self on the line and then having the courage to make that final leap into the abyss where there may not be any solid ground to catch you. But lately, more often than not, it seems that all I do is plunge into this abyss, and it’s true, NOTHING is there to pull me back up and I just keep spiraling deeper and deeper into a depression I may never come out of.

My only escape these days is music. It is the one time that I can truly forget everything else and make believe that my problems don’t exist, oh how I wish they didn’t exist. The screwiest thing though, is that the boy who causes me so much pain is also the one who can make it all go away. How does anybody deal with that? Is there even a prior situation in the world of love that I can compare this too? The man who’s killing me slowly with indifference is also the one slowly raising me out of the pit that I’ve been stuck in for 6 long years.

Consequently, I come to this conclusion, that there is nothing healthy about any part of my life. This whole situation is a shambles and I don’t know what to do. I’m being lifted into a place of light that I haven’t seen in years while at the same time, somewhere deep in my core, I am dying because that is the place where I know that my dreams can never come true. I will be alone forever just as the higher powers meant it to be. I am not meant to know what real requited love feels like. I will live forever in this hell that is made all the worse by the constant glimpses of heaven that it offers only if I go deeper into its depths. So really, what’s the point anymore?

Until Next Time.

XOXO

~C