As I was leaving my friend Jack's house tonight after evening of fun, food, and television I came to a sort of epiphany that has been slowly creeping to the surface of my brain since I first realized I was gay. Only the beautiful and the good can find true love in this world.
It might sound cold and jaded but it is the truth. I have never seen a truly happy couple that didn't at least have one beautiful or innately good person in it. This is especially true in regards to myself. Tonight I drove around for an hour after leaving Jack's house contemplating about all of the emotions that have hit me hard like freight trains this year and all of the horrible experiences I've had even dipping my toe into the waters of love (cheesy I know).
I realized that cuddling with my friend Jack will be the closest I ever come to physical intimacy with anyone ever; and that's just not enough. I can't live like this, alone and depressed, for the rest of my life. Soon, I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself, my friends say I sound to desperate, but that's only because I absolutely 100% all the way AM. I need love in my life and it seems like not matter how hard I try I am never going to find it.
Those of us who are not beautiful usually find love by settling for someone who is just as flawed as we are and can't really complain about our looks but I refuse to do this. I do not want to settle for someone that I do not see myself as ever loving just so that I can be with someone. This is what leads me to trouble. Those of us ugly people who refuse to settle for less than exactly what we want are in a huge dilemma: how do we find love when all people see is our outward appearance and none of what's on the inside?
Of course, I know it sounds superficial of me to say that I don't want to date someone who isn't very attractive but I'm just being honest. And if I actually did find that I clicked with someone right away who wasn't gorgeous I would probably give them a shot but I mean, come on, there has to be some level of sexual appeal for a relationship to work right? I just can't seem to find it with men who are in my league.
Gay men especially seem to be the most superficial of us humans and as a gay man I can say that yes many of us are very caught up in looks. This is what saddens me so. I will never be loved because of this standard that gay men seem to have for their sexual partners: skinny hairless boys. I am neither skinny nor hairless and so I seem to be doomed to a life of loneliness.
I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life. But I have resigned myself to such a fate. I mean after all who could love someone like me? Someone who used to be good, but through various experiences and hardships has become a cold, callous, jaded, bitch. Someone who longs to be good again but every time he exposes any part of his old self to the world he gets hurt worse than before. Trying to be nice has a lot of benefits but none that I have seen for myself. It's better to have a defense against the hate than to be open to it and let them know that their words send you home crying yourself to sleep every night.
Even friends can hurt you where it hurts the most, usually without even realizing it. They know your weaknesses and they know exactly what to say to make it hurt more than ever. But with friendship the line becomes blurred and they cannot always see when they have crossed it. Caring for others is admirable if you can find a way to not get burned in the process. I so far, have not. I love my friends more than life itself, but no single one of them will ever know the true me or the pain that eats away at my stomach, mind, and heart and fills my eyes with tears each night.
This was a rant that had to be expelled from my mind so that I could find some peace. But it's only brought more questions. I will always wonder how my friends in love do it, get into a loving relationship where someone actually wants to be with them, talk to them, and know them. I will never know this feeling, ever.
I will never be anyone's best friend. No one will ever care for me the way I secretly care for so many. I have resigned myself to this and to my fate as the world's loneliest man on Earth, while still surrounded by so many people who seem to care.
-C.
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