There is a God.

I realized tonight that there is some form of celestial being that watches out for us mere mortals, or at least someone who answers prayers. Albeit he/she takes his or her sweet time doing it.

For as far back as I can remember I have been praying for someone, anyone that would be a true friend and confidant that I could tell anything to and always count on to be there for me. Even just a friend would have been nice. I've been cycling through series of best friends since middle school, no one ever gets close enough to really be considered a best friend though. We always end up drifting apart and never keep in touch.

But this time, I think I may have found something that will actually last. My prayers have been answered in the form of two new best friends: Jack and Graeme. They know my deepest secrets and they are really sticking around. I never thought this would happen. Anytime I have even thought about telling anyone something personal they've somehow drifted away from me. I think these are friends that might actually last me my whole life and I couldn't be happier.

For a long time I was skeptic about the possibility of a higher power that actually cared about us humans but now I'm sure there is. I never could have met these two amazing friends if it hadn't been for divine intervention. I mean I sat next to Graeme for a whole year and barely said two words to him and now all of a sudden we have become the best of friends. And Jack I knew for 2 years before finally becoming a really good friend of his. It's amazing the way this power works.

I'm still yearning for romance but at least I know that for now I have two best friends to help me through the hard times. This blog is dedicated to them. Thanks Jack and Graeme, for being the best friends a guy could ask for.

Love, Despair, and Resignation

As I was leaving my friend Jack's house tonight after evening of fun, food, and television I came to a sort of epiphany that has been slowly creeping to the surface of my brain since I first realized I was gay. Only the beautiful and the good can find true love in this world.

It might sound cold and jaded but it is the truth. I have never seen a truly happy couple that didn't at least have one beautiful or innately good person in it. This is especially true in regards to myself. Tonight I drove around for an hour after leaving Jack's house contemplating about all of the emotions that have hit me hard like freight trains this year and all of the horrible experiences I've had even dipping my toe into the waters of love (cheesy I know).

I realized that cuddling with my friend Jack will be the closest I ever come to physical intimacy with anyone ever; and that's just not enough. I can't live like this, alone and depressed, for the rest of my life. Soon, I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself, my friends say I sound to desperate, but that's only because I absolutely 100% all the way AM. I need love in my life and it seems like not matter how hard I try I am never going to find it.

Those of us who are not beautiful usually find love by settling for someone who is just as flawed as we are and can't really complain about our looks but I refuse to do this. I do not want to settle for someone that I do not see myself as ever loving just so that I can be with someone. This is what leads me to trouble. Those of us ugly people who refuse to settle for less than exactly what we want are in a huge dilemma: how do we find love when all people see is our outward appearance and none of what's on the inside?

Of course, I know it sounds superficial of me to say that I don't want to date someone who isn't very attractive but I'm just being honest. And if I actually did find that I clicked with someone right away who wasn't gorgeous I would probably give them a shot but I mean, come on, there has to be some level of sexual appeal for a relationship to work right? I just can't seem to find it with men who are in my league.

Gay men especially seem to be the most superficial of us humans and as a gay man I can say that yes many of us are very caught up in looks. This is what saddens me so. I will never be loved because of this standard that gay men seem to have for their sexual partners: skinny hairless boys. I am neither skinny nor hairless and so I seem to be doomed to a life of loneliness.

I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life. But I have resigned myself to such a fate. I mean after all who could love someone like me? Someone who used to be good, but through various experiences and hardships has become a cold, callous, jaded, bitch. Someone who longs to be good again but every time he exposes any part of his old self to the world he gets hurt worse than before. Trying to be nice has a lot of benefits but none that I have seen for myself. It's better to have a defense against the hate than to be open to it and let them know that their words send you home crying yourself to sleep every night.

Even friends can hurt you where it hurts the most, usually without even realizing it. They know your weaknesses and they know exactly what to say to make it hurt more than ever. But with friendship the line becomes blurred and they cannot always see when they have crossed it. Caring for others is admirable if you can find a way to not get burned in the process. I so far, have not. I love my friends more than life itself, but no single one of them will ever know the true me or the pain that eats away at my stomach, mind, and heart and fills my eyes with tears each night.

This was a rant that had to be expelled from my mind so that I could find some peace. But it's only brought more questions. I will always wonder how my friends in love do it, get into a loving relationship where someone actually wants to be with them, talk to them, and know them. I will never know this feeling, ever.

I will never be anyone's best friend. No one will ever care for me the way I secretly care for so many. I have resigned myself to this and to my fate as the world's loneliest man on Earth, while still surrounded by so many people who seem to care.

-C.

True to Yourself or True to Your Frienships??

Whatever you do these days, wether it be turning on the TV or radio, going to the movies, or reading a book. No matter what form of entertainment you choose, they all have much the same message. Each one says that when it comes to love you're supposed to be who you are and not hide any part of yourself and always be open and honest. But I pose the question: What if being truthful and yourself isn't enough? Or will hurt the ones you care about? No one ever seems to mention this.

Let's take one case that seems to show up in my life quite a bit, falling in love with your best friend. About a year ago, as most of you know from my first blog entry, I fell in love with my closest friend, Andy. Sadly, he did not return these feelings and I was rejected, but after an event like this, there's no going back to the way things were, and although you both try to forget it and move on, the friendship dynamic is forever changed. From the moment I revealed myself to him, Andy's and my relationship crumbled and I lost not only the chance for romantic love, but the brotherly love I already had from him.

People always tell you that the person you spend the rest of your life with should not only be your lover but also your best friend, however, what if your best friend ends up hating you because of your love?? There's just no winning in this scenario, because if you don't tell him you'll always wonder "What if?" and if you do tell him he may end up despising you for complicating his life.

Here's the worst part: recently, it's started to happen to me again with one of my new friends but I don't think I'd survive another episode like last time. I just couldn't do it. This added to the fact that I have no chance and nothing to offer to this person just makes the whole situation worse.

So tell me, what am I supposed to do now?? I doubt that television or books or movies have ever had a situation like this occur, I mean you just can't make this shit up. So I have nothing to go on.

Do I tell the person and most likely lose everything or keep my mouth shut and save what I have? I'm very torn. But leaning towards shutting up. The miniscule one-one thousandth of a chance that I will benefit from speaking up is not worth the 99.9% chance I will fail miserably. Any gambler worth his salt would tell me not to take those odds . . . but I was always shitty at poker . . .

But this begs the question, are our movies, books, and TV shows teaching us poor lessons? Our media is sheltering us from the cruel reality of love: it rarely works out in your favor. I am angry at this entertainment industry, that I put so much faith in to teach me the life lessons I would need to know to succeed, who have have failed me so terribly. What to do . . . What to do . . . ?

I guess all I can say now is: HELP!

Well bye for now. Comment with any suggestions if you want.

Love,

C.

Future Dreams

This is my fantasy of how my life would ideally turn out after college, so sit back and enjoy . . . or don't. Warning: Somewhat suggestive content towards the end.

I wake up in his arms to the smell of his aftershave feeling him as he crawls back in to bed quietly trying not to wake me up even though he's been up for hours and has just dried off from a shower. Both of us still naked after an incredible night of love making; I'm still drained. I crane my neck back to kiss him deeply and somehow he maneuvers himself on top of me with me barely noticing, so that we can kiss much easier.

I feel the heat of his body radiating into my slightly colder skin and it feels so . . . perfect. I wrap my arms around his slim lean body made from a lifetime of running, and he gently collapses against me and rests his head on my smooth chest. I inhale the scent of his freshly washed hair, stil slightly damp and it feels so wonderful against my chin.

I hold him tightly and don't ever want to move from this spot but soon we hear the sounds of our two beautiful children waking up and know we have to get on with the day. He rises first and I just watch him as he slowly gets dressed and I cannot stop smiling. Once he's dressed I have no more excuses to stay in bed, I get up and hop into the shower while he goes down and starts breakfast for me and the kids.

After a while in the shower I get out and get dressed for work at the big television company which I produce shows for. I come down and he's sitting with the kids at the table and has just set my breakfast down at my spot. The kids run and hug my legs as I sit down on the table and I lean over and kiss him before digging in.

This is my favorite part about him, he cooks great food and does not mind that my only culinary talent lies in cheese based foods (grilled cheese and macaroni and cheese) and pastries. The sun shines in on us on another beautiful day in the suburbs of L.A. and this house is only one of three. We have a cottage in our home state of Washington where we like to spend many vacations as well as a cabin in the mountains where we spend Christmas every year.

After kissing him and the kids goodbye I go to work where I see all my awesome co-workers and clients and oversee the production of the new fall shows. I love my job and it is so fulfilling. But it can also be very stressful and make my whole body ache by the end of the day.

That's when I get to come home to him sitting on the couch with the kids reading to them from the first Harry Potter book, both of our favorite book series. Reading to our kids is important because of how much we both love to read and we want to instill that in our children. I give him a weary but content smile as I smell whatever he's making cooking in the oven.

The timer goes off and he jumps up despite my protests that I can take it out, while saying to the kids "Sorry guys, we're gonna have to take a short break. We know how much we love it when daddy offers to help but we also know he has kitchen cursed hands don't we?" He's beaming at me and the kids are rolling on the floor laughing and I laugh along with them and after a long embrace and kiss, I back away from the stove.

After a delicious dinner where the kids showed off art projects they did in school that day and we both shared eventful things that happened that day we tuck the kids in. They beg for us to read to them, and as he reads to them from HP I use full props and blankets as costumes to act out the really exciting parts. The kids love it and slowly drift off after only two chapters.

We turn out the light and turn on their night light while we make our way to our bedroom. He can sense my stress level has been high tonight and as soon as we get to the room he gets me out of my work clothes and down to my boxers. He is in sweats and a t-shirt and as I sit on the edge of the bed he sits on his knees behind me and runs his hands all over my smooth lean body. He knows that since I am lean and athletic now rather than the fat kid I was in high school I love to be touched. He massages deep into my shoulders despite my laughs as he occasionally tickles me it makes me feel so much more relaxed and happy. I don't know how i got this lucky.

After a while he strips down as well, and begins his slow arousal of me. He lays me back on the bed and places light gentle kisses and nibbles all over my body. Occasionally lingering at one spot longer to leave a nice purplish hickey that marks me as his and he loves the moans he pulls from my throat with his kisses. Then he slowly moves my waistband down and places a particularly deep and long kiss onto my most sensitive area before taking me into his mouth completely . . . thus begins our deeper sex acts which I won't go into here. Suffice it to say, we trade roles at least twice during sex, since we are both very sexually versatile.

I wake up in the morning in his arms with him spooning me and making me feel so safe and loved. Eventually we must get up and do it all over again, but neither of us would have it any other way . . .

So that was my little future fantasy. Hope you all enjoyed it. Thanks for reading!

Love,

C.

And the topic of the week is . . . MEAN GIRLS!

So my fellow blogger, Cold Feet Conversation, and I have decided to start weekly discussion posts about a random topic of our choosing. We thought it fitting to start with Mean Girls, our mutual favorite movie. So here it goes . . .

Mean Girls, Mean Girls, what to say about Mean Girls?? Wait! Better question! What ISN'T there to say about Mean Girls?!?!

Easily the most quotable movie of our generation and every gay boy's favoooorite movie. Mean Girls is more than just a movie, it is a symbol of our generation's culture and youth. Every person from every walk of life is represented in this movie, as said by Janie Ian, in the cafeteria you have "your freshmen, ROTC guys, Preps, JV Jocks, Asian Nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity Jocks, Unfriendly Black Hotties, Girls who Eat their Feelings, Girls who don't eat anything, Desperate wannabes, Burnouts, Sexually active band geeks, the greatest people you will ever meet, and . . . the worst".

Although this movie centers around Cady Heron and her inadvertent popularity and spiral down into bitchdom, there is so much more to the film. For instance, the dynamic of the Plastics' social clique, you have Regina, the queen-bee bitch who rules over the other 2 with an iron fist and they just seem to take it. However, in Gretchen and Karen you see two types of loyal subject.

First you have Gretchen, who is always trying to get more and more on Regina's good side and rise from her place as lackey to a more powerful role behind the scenes. But she never wants to outright rule, as seen in the end when she takes on the same position she had in the Plastics, with the cool asians.

Then you have Karen Smith, who is obviously more pretty and nicer than Regina but is simply too stupid to do anything with her natural gifts. A person like Karen flocks to Regina's domineering personality so as to not have to make decisions for herself and not have to think. Regina rules Karen's life and this is how she likes it, but this comes at a price; seen when Regina is talking to Cady on the phone about homecoming queen, "The sad thing is, it should be Karen but everyone forgets about her because she's such a slut". In her stupidity Karen has lost he sense of self-value and it is because of this that she will always need someone more powerful than her to run her life for her.

When you really delve deeper into the world of Mean Girls one can find many hidden meanings and themes and I'm sure I could drone on forever about the greatness that is Mean Girls but for now I shall turn you over to my friend Cold Feet Conversations, so that he can share his view.

Gotta jet!

C.

Coming Out

So tonight was our awards ceremony at school and I won 3 awards. (Please hold you applause lol) But anyway that's not really the point . . . at dinner afterwards it dawned on me that tonight would be the perfect night to tell my parents my dirty little secret. I came out to them just about 15 minutes ago and it was fabulous.

I started by gathering them all into the living room surreptitiously and then I just stood there for what felt like an eternity until my grandmother asked what I was doing. I dove right in, I said "Well since everyone is here, in addition to my 3 awards I have an announcement I would like to make. I'm gay. You may have known for a while but I just thought I should let you all know." I then saluted them and left.

My mom came into my room first and hugged me and asked me how long I'd known and I told her since junior year. We hugged it was awesome.

Then came my dad, the one I was most worried about. He came in and told me he loved me no matter what and that he was always proud of me. It made me so happy I teared up a bit. This has been the most amazing night of my life and I am just soo happy. I hope every gay boy and girl gets to experience this amazing feeling one day.

Thanks to all my friends for my support. You guys are the best!

Love to all.

C.

Brilliantly Cathartic

Hello friends,

I suppose to kick off this blog I will need to explain how I got to the place I am now. It is somewhat of a long story and it may get lengthy and unintelligible at parts but trust that it is critical to my story.

I suppose I was an average child just like all the other kids in my elementary school up until second grade, I think that's where my life took its first turn for the worst. It began like any other recess, the girls were swinging, playing hopscotch, and jumping rope while the boys played four square and kickball. Yearning to fit in I waited my turn in line like everybody else and when the time came for me to take my place in the square I did so with pride. That is until the name calling began, the other boys began to call me names (Chubby Chubby Cherry was most popular that day because I was wearing a red polo as per dress code, however on days when I wore blue the taunts became Chubby Chubby Blueberry) I was so embarrassed and devastated that I ran away from the four square court and off to a corner of the playground to be by myself. The only people who asked what was wrong were the girls from my class, I began to feel safe around them, and thus began my bond to girls rather than boys.

The same sort of name-calling began the next day when I tried to play kickball, however, being somewhat good at the game, the taunts were less frequent. But they didn't stop. Again the girls were there to comfort me. Eventually, the taunts got to the point that I wore white polos to school no matter what, even if they were a bit dirty. I mean after all, being called a white berry is a bit ridiculous and gave me ammunition against my attackers.

This didn't stop until sometime in 7th grade and all throughout this time my closest friends became the girls of my elementary school and I felt more and more shy around the boys for fear that the taunts would start again.

As awful as this experience was, I can't imagine my life without it, I could be completely different if it had never happened. For instance, my best friends in the whole world: Hally and Ramsey, would not be so close to me had I not turned to them for companionship during recess. Also, I may never have discovered theatre, my passion.

It was 5th grade and I had just made new friends with the first boy who hadn't outrightly taunted me during school: Clarke. We had the same first initial, which in those days, bonded us even more. Hally had gone to a special gifted school and we had lost touch. Clarke was trying out for the school's spoof of Treasure Island put on by a traveling theatre company. We both got roles and it was then that I caught the bug, it was amazing to be onstage and feel that energy of the audience and the rush of applause. I was hooked, and I lived for it.

Ramsey, Clarke, and I all started middle school the next year and we were practically inseparable. We all walked to school together and told each other everything. It seemed like everything was going great but by winter break everything had changed, we all had made new friends and were drifting, and then Clarke announced that he was moving to California at the end of the year. We made the most of those last few months and it was great but after he moved nothing was the same. Ramsey and I were still good friends but we barely saw each other and we each had other friends who took up most of our time.

However, in reality, I was lonelier than I think I've ever been in my entire life during 7th and 8th grade. It was sometime during this period that I first began to contemplate suicide, I felt like no one truly cared about me besides my family and that I would be alone forever. I took one of my mom's scarfs one day and attempted to strangle myself but I lost my nerve just before I lost consciousness.

After that I was too scared to try again so I ventured into cutting, but for some reason I could never get the blade to puncture my skin and draw blood no matter how hard I pressed and it still hurt like a bitch. I began to do this a lot, I would push the blade deep into my arm until I couldn't take the pain any longer and I would never draw blood but as the pain seeped into my arm, it felt like it was being leeched from my heart. A feeling which I would have given anything for at that point.

Of course at school I still had a wide array of friends and I was very popular with most people, the taunts were far behind me. But then in the 2nd or 3rd day of 8th grade my school was changed from the inside out by the accidental death of a popular boy playing the choking game. The whole class was torn apart by this event and the boy in question had sat next to me in Spanish. Not having him there was like having a dementor sitting next to you, it sapped your energy and made you feel so like nothing could go right ever again. But that spring I was cast in the spring play, a spoof on Romeo and Juliet and the light in me that existed because of acting was ignited once more.

Eventually the whole school seemed to move on and we graduated as a happy class all over the moon about starting high school . . . at least on the surface.

High school started that next fall and it still seems like just yesterday that I was walking into the courtyard of my beautiful school even now as I'm in my last 5 days of senior year. I remember feeling so insecure, still the fat little boy from all those years ago and never feeling like he had a true connection to anyone. I sat through classes on that first day taking in all the new faces and wondering how I would ever possibly fit in here, luckily there were some amazing girls here too.

I first met Chelsea, Stasha, Kelsey, and James through a combination of having classes with them and eating lunch together. James was the only boy who I had felt a connection to since Clarke, and he was gay. It was this that lead me to questioning my sexuality. I began to think of James as less of a friend and as more of a crush but I knew he had no interest in me whatsoever. That crush went on for quite a while until finally I got cast in the fall play, You Can't Take it with You, my first HS play! It was here that I met so many of my current best friends, and . . . him.

Andy rocked my world so hard it was like being hit by a Mac truck at full force. He was not the most beautiful person in the world but he was gorgeous to me and he knew just how to make me laugh even on my worst day. He was also a year older than me which enhanced the appeal even more. By sophomore year and after 3 more shows together we were best friends and got into all sorts of trouble together, but I wanted more. It wasn't long after he confessed to me that he was confused about his sexuality and thought he may be bi that I first confessed my love for him. He rejected me but said we could forget it and still be friends. But after a few months I couldn't take it anymore so I re-confessed (stupid, I know) and again he rejected me but this time it wasn't so easy for him to forget.

Eventually, our whole friendship deteriorated because of my stupidity and I was left an empty shell once again. Just last summer, I was a wreck, not knowing what to do and not knowing how to fix any of my problems. I simply fell into a deep depression. The only one who kept me going was Ramsey; my recently rekindled friendship with her made the hurt seem to lessen and she let me talk to her about my problems and my now certain sexuality: gay. We worked together at a hot dog stand at fairs and concerts that summer and it kept me busy and unable to think about Andy too much.

School started this fall and I was a whole new person, the summer with Ramsey and away from Andy allowed me to get over him completely while still a bit sore about our broken relationship. But able to cope much more easily. For a long time I couldn't even remember being sad at all during the year.

That is until the play began and Ramsey called me and told me that she had begun to feel used and that she wasn't going to be a doormat anymore to my abuse of our friendship. I was so upset by her anger that I cried myself to sleep for the first time since 7th grade when it happened almost every night. It was then that I turned to my cast mate, Kailan. He was a big pot smoker and he made me a much heavier smoker as well even though I had only dabbled in it before.

It came to the point where I was drunk or high every weekend and even some week days and my grades began to drop significantly. But the drugs and alcohol helped to numb everything else so I just kept it up. My life was in a downward spiral deepening more and more until the end of the spring musical when I became closer to Jack. He had been around since sophomore year as a tech crew member of the plays and we were pretty good friends, not great though.

I knew for a fact he was straight-edge about drugs and would not approve of a friend with my lifestyle but I longed for him to like me so I quit the partying and the smoking, all of it. I was even surprise at how good I now felt sober. Jack quickly became a crush getting worse all the time and I was worried about repeating the whole Andy debacle. Then I discovered he already had a boyfriend, Graeme. I had known Graeme for a while as he was a grade ahead of me and friends with all of my other senior friends last year but I'd never really gotten to know him. I was secretly so glad that Jack had a boyfriend because it meant that he was off limits and so of course it was much easier for me to stop liking him and he simply became my best friend, him and Graeme both surprisingly.

Now, Graeme and Jack are my two best friends in the whole world and they keep me away from the drugs that messed me up so much. Now, I only drink and when I do, it isn't to numb the pain of life, it's to have a good time. My life has grown so much since 2nd grade and now you know it all. Out there on the internets for everyone to see. Wow, who knew I would ever have this much courage?

Oh and in case you were wondering what happened with Ramsey, we have since patched things up and are besties once more. She'll always be my number one gal and I have a bitchin' grad present for her. If you made it through all that drudgery kudos to you and just know that now that you have the background you'll be able to understand my more interesting posts that will come very soon. This was simply necessary for any of you to understand some of the things I'd be writing about later. Also, special thanks to Graeme for the title :)

Until next time.

C.