Being always overavid, I demand from those I love a love equal to mine, which, being balanced people, they cannot supply.- Sylvia Ashton-Warner
For as long as I can remember this quote has basically summed up my life. I make so-called "friends" but our relationship is always deeply unbalanced. The love and caring I feel for the people who I let in close to my life is always exponentially greater than anything they feel for me, and this is how it always will be.
After 18 years of friendships that inevitably fizzle out and turn to nothing but a vague memory of happiness I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never find what I'm looking for. But what am I looking for exactly you might ask? Well, I will tell you. This is what I'm looking for in not only a friend, but also a significant other:
someone who . . .
- doesn't mind that I love to drive
- understands my incurable road rage
- likes that I take the long way to get places
- knows that I do that because I just want to spend more time with him
- wants to spend as much time with me as I do with him (aka a lot!)
- knows me inside and out and still loves me
- wants me to know everything about him
- I can trust
- trusts me
- I can have a huge fight with and then half an hour later we won't even remember why we fought
- texts me first
- sends me messages just to say he thought of me
- is thoughtful
- loves kids as much as I do
- isn't afraid to cry in front of me
- likes to try new things
- doesn't mind that I have slight TV obsession
- understands that I'm trying to fix my life
- can't imagine the world without me just like I can't imagine the world without him
- even when we're not together is thinking of me constantly
- the minute we part wants to be with me again
After all, "A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway." - Fr. Jerome Cummings
But as I've said, I have accepted my fate. These traits will be impossible to find because I simply cannot be loved. I've searched and searched, but my efforts will never come to fruition. I will forever be the boy who people keep around for a laugh until they get bored with him.
I used to be okay with this, but lately all of my best friends have paired off and no matter who I hang out with, I'm a third wheel. This feeling sucks, I have to watch these incredibly happy people snog, touch, laugh, nibble, cuddle, and all the other things I'll never get to do and it just . . . hurts. It is an unimaginable pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Lucky I'm a good actor eh? No one even notices anything is wrong and I am determined that they don't. I want these friends in my life so I guess I can deal with this pain, push it to the back of my mind and blog about it on here when it wells up inside so that I'm about to cry. It's not like I have anyone who I could talk to about this that would understand and who isn't a part of the situation.
For now, I will keep going, never looking back. I will find away to stop this pain. Love is overrated. The Fates chose to leave me lonely, and that's how I will stay. Who needs love? I sure as hell don't!
Until next time.
-C.
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