Brilliantly Cathartic

Hello friends,

I suppose to kick off this blog I will need to explain how I got to the place I am now. It is somewhat of a long story and it may get lengthy and unintelligible at parts but trust that it is critical to my story.

I suppose I was an average child just like all the other kids in my elementary school up until second grade, I think that's where my life took its first turn for the worst. It began like any other recess, the girls were swinging, playing hopscotch, and jumping rope while the boys played four square and kickball. Yearning to fit in I waited my turn in line like everybody else and when the time came for me to take my place in the square I did so with pride. That is until the name calling began, the other boys began to call me names (Chubby Chubby Cherry was most popular that day because I was wearing a red polo as per dress code, however on days when I wore blue the taunts became Chubby Chubby Blueberry) I was so embarrassed and devastated that I ran away from the four square court and off to a corner of the playground to be by myself. The only people who asked what was wrong were the girls from my class, I began to feel safe around them, and thus began my bond to girls rather than boys.

The same sort of name-calling began the next day when I tried to play kickball, however, being somewhat good at the game, the taunts were less frequent. But they didn't stop. Again the girls were there to comfort me. Eventually, the taunts got to the point that I wore white polos to school no matter what, even if they were a bit dirty. I mean after all, being called a white berry is a bit ridiculous and gave me ammunition against my attackers.

This didn't stop until sometime in 7th grade and all throughout this time my closest friends became the girls of my elementary school and I felt more and more shy around the boys for fear that the taunts would start again.

As awful as this experience was, I can't imagine my life without it, I could be completely different if it had never happened. For instance, my best friends in the whole world: Hally and Ramsey, would not be so close to me had I not turned to them for companionship during recess. Also, I may never have discovered theatre, my passion.

It was 5th grade and I had just made new friends with the first boy who hadn't outrightly taunted me during school: Clarke. We had the same first initial, which in those days, bonded us even more. Hally had gone to a special gifted school and we had lost touch. Clarke was trying out for the school's spoof of Treasure Island put on by a traveling theatre company. We both got roles and it was then that I caught the bug, it was amazing to be onstage and feel that energy of the audience and the rush of applause. I was hooked, and I lived for it.

Ramsey, Clarke, and I all started middle school the next year and we were practically inseparable. We all walked to school together and told each other everything. It seemed like everything was going great but by winter break everything had changed, we all had made new friends and were drifting, and then Clarke announced that he was moving to California at the end of the year. We made the most of those last few months and it was great but after he moved nothing was the same. Ramsey and I were still good friends but we barely saw each other and we each had other friends who took up most of our time.

However, in reality, I was lonelier than I think I've ever been in my entire life during 7th and 8th grade. It was sometime during this period that I first began to contemplate suicide, I felt like no one truly cared about me besides my family and that I would be alone forever. I took one of my mom's scarfs one day and attempted to strangle myself but I lost my nerve just before I lost consciousness.

After that I was too scared to try again so I ventured into cutting, but for some reason I could never get the blade to puncture my skin and draw blood no matter how hard I pressed and it still hurt like a bitch. I began to do this a lot, I would push the blade deep into my arm until I couldn't take the pain any longer and I would never draw blood but as the pain seeped into my arm, it felt like it was being leeched from my heart. A feeling which I would have given anything for at that point.

Of course at school I still had a wide array of friends and I was very popular with most people, the taunts were far behind me. But then in the 2nd or 3rd day of 8th grade my school was changed from the inside out by the accidental death of a popular boy playing the choking game. The whole class was torn apart by this event and the boy in question had sat next to me in Spanish. Not having him there was like having a dementor sitting next to you, it sapped your energy and made you feel so like nothing could go right ever again. But that spring I was cast in the spring play, a spoof on Romeo and Juliet and the light in me that existed because of acting was ignited once more.

Eventually the whole school seemed to move on and we graduated as a happy class all over the moon about starting high school . . . at least on the surface.

High school started that next fall and it still seems like just yesterday that I was walking into the courtyard of my beautiful school even now as I'm in my last 5 days of senior year. I remember feeling so insecure, still the fat little boy from all those years ago and never feeling like he had a true connection to anyone. I sat through classes on that first day taking in all the new faces and wondering how I would ever possibly fit in here, luckily there were some amazing girls here too.

I first met Chelsea, Stasha, Kelsey, and James through a combination of having classes with them and eating lunch together. James was the only boy who I had felt a connection to since Clarke, and he was gay. It was this that lead me to questioning my sexuality. I began to think of James as less of a friend and as more of a crush but I knew he had no interest in me whatsoever. That crush went on for quite a while until finally I got cast in the fall play, You Can't Take it with You, my first HS play! It was here that I met so many of my current best friends, and . . . him.

Andy rocked my world so hard it was like being hit by a Mac truck at full force. He was not the most beautiful person in the world but he was gorgeous to me and he knew just how to make me laugh even on my worst day. He was also a year older than me which enhanced the appeal even more. By sophomore year and after 3 more shows together we were best friends and got into all sorts of trouble together, but I wanted more. It wasn't long after he confessed to me that he was confused about his sexuality and thought he may be bi that I first confessed my love for him. He rejected me but said we could forget it and still be friends. But after a few months I couldn't take it anymore so I re-confessed (stupid, I know) and again he rejected me but this time it wasn't so easy for him to forget.

Eventually, our whole friendship deteriorated because of my stupidity and I was left an empty shell once again. Just last summer, I was a wreck, not knowing what to do and not knowing how to fix any of my problems. I simply fell into a deep depression. The only one who kept me going was Ramsey; my recently rekindled friendship with her made the hurt seem to lessen and she let me talk to her about my problems and my now certain sexuality: gay. We worked together at a hot dog stand at fairs and concerts that summer and it kept me busy and unable to think about Andy too much.

School started this fall and I was a whole new person, the summer with Ramsey and away from Andy allowed me to get over him completely while still a bit sore about our broken relationship. But able to cope much more easily. For a long time I couldn't even remember being sad at all during the year.

That is until the play began and Ramsey called me and told me that she had begun to feel used and that she wasn't going to be a doormat anymore to my abuse of our friendship. I was so upset by her anger that I cried myself to sleep for the first time since 7th grade when it happened almost every night. It was then that I turned to my cast mate, Kailan. He was a big pot smoker and he made me a much heavier smoker as well even though I had only dabbled in it before.

It came to the point where I was drunk or high every weekend and even some week days and my grades began to drop significantly. But the drugs and alcohol helped to numb everything else so I just kept it up. My life was in a downward spiral deepening more and more until the end of the spring musical when I became closer to Jack. He had been around since sophomore year as a tech crew member of the plays and we were pretty good friends, not great though.

I knew for a fact he was straight-edge about drugs and would not approve of a friend with my lifestyle but I longed for him to like me so I quit the partying and the smoking, all of it. I was even surprise at how good I now felt sober. Jack quickly became a crush getting worse all the time and I was worried about repeating the whole Andy debacle. Then I discovered he already had a boyfriend, Graeme. I had known Graeme for a while as he was a grade ahead of me and friends with all of my other senior friends last year but I'd never really gotten to know him. I was secretly so glad that Jack had a boyfriend because it meant that he was off limits and so of course it was much easier for me to stop liking him and he simply became my best friend, him and Graeme both surprisingly.

Now, Graeme and Jack are my two best friends in the whole world and they keep me away from the drugs that messed me up so much. Now, I only drink and when I do, it isn't to numb the pain of life, it's to have a good time. My life has grown so much since 2nd grade and now you know it all. Out there on the internets for everyone to see. Wow, who knew I would ever have this much courage?

Oh and in case you were wondering what happened with Ramsey, we have since patched things up and are besties once more. She'll always be my number one gal and I have a bitchin' grad present for her. If you made it through all that drudgery kudos to you and just know that now that you have the background you'll be able to understand my more interesting posts that will come very soon. This was simply necessary for any of you to understand some of the things I'd be writing about later. Also, special thanks to Graeme for the title :)

Until next time.

C.